Thick Skin and an Elastic Heart-Cope with losing a mother

25 Feb


My mother died of Cancer two months after my 15th birthday. I had seen her deteriorate from a beautiful woman to just an 80 pound bald shell of herself. Although, I loved/love my mother with all my heart and Id sacrifice anything for five minutes with her I didn’t shed a tear when she passed.  No, I’m not some sociopath that didn’t care.  That was just the way my mind dealt with the loss.  I dissociated it from me. I ignored it away. Compartmentalized it as something that happened that I had to get over and move on. Later on my emotions would fluctuate from sadness to rage to just feeling numb.

When your mother dies and you’re a young girl it changes the direction of your life. You will never be the same. The loss lives in your body. Every couple of years it hits me.  I assure anyone who is suppressing it will end up grieving it later. It might be much later 5, 10, 20 years down the line.  I find myself dreaming of my mother and I shopping at the Gap and trying on clothes (she’s much more inclined to agree with my taste in fashion in my dreams). Sometimes I dream I am at my current adult age and I live with her and her husband in a house and I have a curfew and rules as if I were a child.

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Soon after my mother passed I went to live with my grandparents in another state.  My grades that were 85 and 90’s soon plummeted, I cut school and I finished high school in a home school program. My self esteem was on the floor and I always thought of myself as fat.  When I look back at my pictures I was not a fat 15-year-old by any means.  I was not very respectful to my grandparents who were good enough to take care of me.

My hope is for any young girl that has lost their mother is not to suppress it.  I wish as a young girl I had talked about it in therapy or to a school counselor. My grandparents were older and English is their second language. I don’t think they knew how to do that for me.  If that’s your case, do it yourself.  

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  • Go to your school counselor or an adult or family member you love and trust. TALK, TALK, TALK about your anger, sadness, fear, rage anything.
  • Cry it out and journal everything and anything you can’t bring yourself to say.
  • Do constructive things that you love such as writing, music art or whatever it is that brings you joy or try something new.
  • Join a club in school ( drama, art,science)  and associate with POSITIVE FRIENDS.  That means do not become friends or stay friends with anyone who puts you down in any way.  Do not stay or become friends with people who drink, do drugs or smoke.
  • 20 minutes of Aerobic exercise a day.  Your energy whether its anger, fear, or joy needs to flow through and out of your body. Exercise those feelings out of you!
  • This is strictly a personal matter but I find that prayer works. You can tell God everything that’s on your mind.
  • Remember if you’re living with family members they are usually doing the best they can. They’re in pain too. Be gentle.

Don’t give up on life and stay on the right path.  The first guy who comes around you in your moment of sadness isn’t your savior.  You are, I promise you that!

I’d like to you to know I’m not a therapist or a counselor. I’m speaking directly from my heart and life experience.  These are the things I WISH someone would’ve told me when my mother passed. I hope this helps. Feel free to comment!

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My mother

 

Sending you lots of Love,

Michelle

You can dress like Coco Rocha, Sophia Amoruso and Christina Milian on a budget

20 Feb

So you think its impossible to dress like a supermodel, CEO or singer. I’m here to show you how. It’s no secret that I love to covet beautiful vintage clothing and pass it on.  You don’t need to spend two weeks of your pay in order to look like your favorite celebrity. Just use your imagination.

Nasty Gal's Sophia Amoruso

Nasty Gal’s Sophia Amoruso

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Sheer Vintage Blouse $36 Vintage leather skirt $23 Seriously a leather skirt for $23! http://www.lilajuliet.etsy.com

Don’t dress exactly as your favorite celebrity muse. Take inspiration from their look and add your own style. Everyone has their own individual taste. For example I love wearing platforms since I’m 5′ tall. They make me feel tall and elegant and I’m a sucker for a huge cocktail ring.

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Christina Milian looking sleek and beautiful

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My version of Christina Milian’s look Sparkle Gold Vintage Dress $26 http://www.lilajuliet.etsy.com

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Coco Rocha is always just perfect

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Coco Rocha with a vintage twist Jessica McClintock dress $30 http://www.lilajuliet.etsy.com

Thank for looking and don’t be afraid to look So Fancy,

XOXO,

Michelle

P.S: Use code lilabean15 at checkout to get $5 off any $25 purchase at http://www.lilajuliet.etsy.com!

Be a BOSS!

13 Jul

When the pressure is on start-Yogi Bhajan

Awhile ago I read Tim Ferris’s 4 hour workweek.  To be honest I don’t 100% agree with everything written in the book.  He promotes outsourcing everything which I don’t think is possible for everyone.  He does mention something that I 100% agree with.

24 Hour Work week

 You may feel you’re running around all day, doing a million things but just because your running around all day doesnt mean that you have been productive.  If your goal is to lose weight, start a business, start a blog there’s a way to easily do this. Ask yourself   “What are my priorities?” What do you want your priorities to be?

This is what Tim Ferris has to say about it

There should never be more than two mission critical items to complete each day. Never. It just isn’t necessary if they’re actually high impact. If you are stuck trying to decide between multiple items that all seem crucial, as happens to all of us, look at each in turn and ask yourself,  If this is the only thing I accomplish today, will I be satisfied with my day?

Many of us work a 9-5 job, but what do you do when you get home?  If your goal is to be fit and your crunched for time, work out for 30 minutes or go to 50 minute yoga class.  The point is when you lay your head in bed that night your proud of what you accomplished that day. If you do the two critical items per day within 6 months you will see results if you’ve been consistent.

I personally have a very ADD personality and I feel I can’t concentrate on one thing for too long but I’ve trained myself. My friend Jennifer gave me a valuable piece of advice which in retrospect is so simple. Make a list, hour for hour for your day.  It takes some dedication but if you live up to your list daily you will feel amazing and your life will be better because you’ll be doing and living the way your supposed to.

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via pintrest

One book that I love and recommend is Dr. Joe Dispenzas

Break the Habit of being Yourself

Here are some tidbits I took away from the book-

 To change is to think greater than how you feel  (If your tired, Do it anyway!)

  • When we give into our cravings, we will keep producing the same outcomes in ourselves because the body and mind is in opposition
  • You are who you are and where you are because you believe you are
  • Who do you admire? (Learn from them. Fake it till you make it.)

 

Change is hard and its supposed to be.  Once you break through that change you will become greater than you think you are.  Take your life One Day at a Time.

If you mess up one day that totally okay, brush yourself off and do it again tomorrow.  100% know that whatever your goals are that they are possible.

FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE- Kirk Hensler

Love,

Michelle

Retro Glam Hairspiration

14 May

I love old school hair.  I found some pictures online to give us all some hair inspiration.

For now, look at these beauties

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Elizabeth Taylor with an undo adorned with a crystal brooch

Cute and Casual

Cute and Casual

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Bridget Bardot circa 1960’s with a wide headband and teased hair

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Sophia Loren looking glam as ever with a bun

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Marilyn looking perfect

If you’re in a creative mood and feel like experimenting with these gorgeous hairstyles check out these you tube videos

Marilyn Hair

Bridget Bardot Hair

Heres a whole page devoted to recreating Elizabeth Taylors entire look

Elizabeth Taylor

For retro hair in general

Retro Hair Styles

As always my advice to you is to be a UNICORN.  Dress, act and do your hair the way you love to look. Walk with a straight back, smile and be kind to others. Do something very important for yourself everyday. It can reading, writing, working out,yoga, studying for school, focusing on your blog or business. When you rest your head at night you should feel good that you did that one thing.  If you do the most important one thing on a daily basis it will blossom and so will you.

Thanks for reading!

Michelle

Jemima Kirke is My 70s Style Crush

13 May

My personal style is very ADD.  Sometimes I wake up and feel like dressing like the prim and proper girls from the 50’s.  Those are the days that I may have a little extra time in the morning.  That look takes me a while.  I need to set my hair in hot rollers. Do the scotch tape trick for cat eyes.  I really don’t know how they did it back then on a daily basis.  I stumbled onto this on tumblr and it seems this girl has the look down packed. It’s too cute! It also happens to be the look my friend Jeniretro has masterfully perfected. Seriously, if you’re in N.Y. check her out!

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As for me, I swoon when I see a polyester jumpsuit, I get excited at the sight of a fringe jacket. I love the 70’s with their clogs and dresses that flow in the wind. I bought tickets to see Fleetwood Mac in October and I told my boyfriend I was going in a long skirt and a shawl (Stevie Nicks Style). He said “I don’t think people are going to show up that way, you’re going to look like you’re in costume.” Well, I really don’t care, I’m going to twirl away in my shawl.

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That brings me to Jemima Kirke who plays Jessa in HBO GIRLS. It seems her personal style closely resembles her characters style.  As much as I love dressing from different eras, if you don’t do it right you may end up looking like an extra in a movie, the hell with it, dress however you want.  Jemima Kirk looks like she found the perfect balance.

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JESSA DRESS

JESSA DRESS

JESSA DRESS ON ETSY

Your style is your own. Own it! Be authentic and be yourself.  Don’t dress, act or do things because you think “What will other people think?” The world wants you, not an imitation of someone else.  Whats your personal style?

XOXO,

Michelle

Be a Work of Art~ All vintage under $30!

25 Mar

“The scariest moment is always just before you start.” ~ Stephen King

I love Stevie Nicks and all things 70’s.  If you follow me you know that my headband line & Vintage line is called Lila Juliet.  It’s from all eras but my favorite finds are from the 70’s. I love dresses with a magical, whimsical air.

Stevie-nicks-style

Gold Dust Woman

Gold Dust Woman

 These are just a couple of looks from the brand new vintage at http://www.lilajuliet.etsy.com

Ive priced everything under $30.

I feel everyone should be able to walk the Earth looking and being ART.

The beauty about vintage is that its recycled. Your helping the Earth and your clothes will be more interesting and are probably made better!

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When to cut the cord

18 Oct

Unknown

2 Timothy 1:7

King James Version (KJV)

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Detachment

1. indifference to other people or to one’s surroundings; aloofness

2. (Psychology) freedom from self-interest or bias; disinterest

3. the act of disengaging or separating something

4. the condition of being disengaged or separated; disconnection

5. (Military) Military

a.  the separation of a small unit from its main body, esp of ships or troops

b.  the unit so detached

 I’m a huge self-help book lover. You can find me in the sci-fi section or self-help section in Barnes and Nobles.  I have an enormous amount of self-help books taking over my home library.  I noticed a shiny unopened book in my bookshelf by Melody Beattie titled “Codependant No More.” I wondered “When did I buy this and why?” “Im not codependant, my boyfriend has alone time and so do I we never freak about it.”  Someone must’ve recommended this book to me because once I read it I realized, “Whoa, I am codependent”.

There is a chapter on Detachment which I took a highlighter too. You may need to detach from an idea, a situation or a person. Have you ever gone out of your away to help someone who didn’t even ask for your help?  Perhaps you overextend yourself because you subconsciously are looking for everyone’s acceptance?  When a friend is in a bad mood and you think it has to be something YOU did?

 Letting go of being the director of the show

I recently got into a heated email discussion with another mother about our children. I felt I worded the email in a polite, non confrontational way.  Her response left me dumbfounded. Since she was mean in the email and took no responsibility.  I fired back and sent her an equally mean email  to the one she sent me.  She responded and by the time I read it I was drained. I responded something along the lines that us now fighting was not at all my intention and I just wanted peace between our daughters and wished she understood. I also ended it with God bless you and your family. I thought for a moment and realized no matter how angry I was I shouldve  just turned off the computer and went directly to the school principal instead of now having this petty argument.  After that she said “Thank you” but continued to try to hit below the belt.  I kept on thinking in my head how could she not want to resolve this in a very adult way, why can’t we come together and show our daughters an example of how to solve disputes. I kept emailing her back trying to convince her to change her mind. Why didn’t she see things my way?!

The real question is “Why am I trying to control this mother’s response?” People are who they are. Page 61 from Codependent no more states: Detachment also involves accepting reality-the facts. It requires faith- in ourselves, in God, in other people, and in the natural order and destiny of things in this world. Once I saw where the conversation was headed it was my responsibility to not engage and insult another person. My feelings  got the best of me but well talk more about feelings in a moment.

 Letting go of people and their responsibilities

A good question is “Are we doing what it takes to care of ourselves?” We shouldn’t be worried about the responsibilities or actions of another adult.  It isn’t to say we can’t be helpful but we are not take on their burdens.  Everyone is fully capable of taking care of themselves and making their own choices. You shouldnt do anything that you’ll resent you did later on for someone.  Perhaps you volunteered to do someone a favor, or you feel coerced to do a favor. If you cant do it and have a gut reaction that you truly don’t want to do it, if its going to affect you or your family’s balance or peace say “No”.  Draw boundaries. People are just people.  There is nothing to be scared of.  Saying “No” is extremely difficult for me. When your just starting out being assertive “buy yourself some time”.  If someone asks you to babysit their 3 kids on a holiday weekend and you had  your hopes on going to yoga classes and hanging at the beach you can say “Let me get back to you, I believe I had a previous engagement.” Then there are those people who ask you for things that they know will make you uncomfortable but they ask anyway because they know you will eventually say yes. They may ask for money, business contacts, whatever. To those people saying “Im sorry but I have a policy of not _________ to anyone I’ve had a few bad experiences.” Leave it at that.  Use your common sense.  Everytime I’m assertive a fear comes over me and I think “OMG, is that person going to be mad at me?”  I don’t listen to that fear based feeling anymore. I would do almost anything for some of my genuine friends. Some I haven’t spoken to in months or even years but I’d be there in a moment.  You know who your friends are that you have a give and take relationship with and people who just need things. 

 Dont be hard on yourself when you did nothing wrong

A very smart  woman told me  “Keep your side of the street clean.”  Worry about your own tasks and  be morally responsible. When you lay in bed at night you know you’ve done all  you can do and you have fulfilled your own obligations.  When your conscience is clear and you know you did right don’t keep obsessing over other people’s reaction.  When someone acts negative towards you for no reason its a reflection on their current life or spiritual condition. You cannot wallow in despair and fall apart over other people’s reactions or behavior, or situations that may arise.  Emotions cannot run you because they change like the wind. For example  Jeremiah 17:9 states  “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” Okay, that text may be a little tough but the point is your emotions are going to change. Everything you FEEL is not reliable. You can’t let people, places or things blow your house down.

 When to detach

When should you detach for someone? Basically when you become obsessed and can’t stop worrying about someone or something, about something you said or did, about something they said or did. When you constantly do for someone else and your upset with yourself for constantly “helping” that person. If  you’re obsessing over something because you have hurt someone promptly admit you were wrong, change your actions and move on. Obsessing isn’t helping anyone.

You may have to detach completely from people. Some people leave you feeling drained and are not beneficial to your growth. It doesnt mean you don’t care. Quite the opposite you do care but you also respect yourself. Your not here to solve other people’s problems. Your not here to make people act a certain way. Your not here to do things for others for the wrong reasons and then kick yourself about it.  Give people the room and opportunity to grow and become evolved on this journey.

Adopt a policy of keeping your hands off other people’s responsibilities and keeping other people’s negative emotions off you.

Im a work in progress and Im trying to do this myself everyday.

Check out Melody’s Beattie’s  book here

Love,

Michelle

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